Moving on....

Been too long since I've stopped in here for a chat!
News in my world:
I have sold the Christian Strip Club, since it was taking way too much of my time. After we added the Lazarus Lapdance, (Guaranteed to Raise the Dead) for the over-70 crowd, the place got extremely busy. Couples Night was a solid success and the money was pouring in, so I got out while the getting was good. Best of luck to the new owners! Stop in and see 'em sometime!

More news in my world:
There are those among us who are decidedly not the brightest candles in the courtyard. With that in mind, I will share with you all some job hunting tips.

1. Disable your cell phone, put it on vibrate, shut it off, leave it in your car, but do NOT, I repeat, do NOT answer it
a.) while filling out your application, especially when it turns out to be your chatty pal who wants to discuss what you all did last night or what you all wanna do tonight...
b.) while waiting for your interview, when the caller is your partner with whom you then have a lovely argument right there in the lobby...
c.) DURING your interview, when the caller is your partner asking if you have FINALLY actually made it to one of the two thousand interviews she/he scheduled for you...

2. Be clean and dressed appropriately. No one in Human Resources will appreciate ripped up clothing and truly nasty T-shirts. If it has an obscene word on it, save it for the weekend- it sure as hell won't get you hired and might get you a quick invitation to go right back out the door, which if you're lucky won't hit you in the ass on the way out.

3. If you're hung over, still drunk, or high, please stay the hell home. You ain't getting hired anywhere in that kind of shape, and don't kid yourself, the folks in the office know- you're not the first loser to come and try to bullshit your way through the interview.

4. It is considered bad form to hit on the interviewer. If you think she's hot, just resist the temptation to hold her hand when she greets you. Holding the handshake way too long and maybe even giving her hand some extra, "special" squeezes will not get you a.) hired or b.) laid, so give it a rest already. You've just proved you have no idea how to behave in a business environment. Way to go, dude.

Tune in again later for more job hunting tips!

Hello again, finally!

Whoa! I haven't been in this neighborhood for a while! I'm afraid this Christian Strip Club thing is taking up a lot of my time, but hey, all for a good cause, hmmm?? So here's the latest news on that: I finally found a building- well, actually, it's in a - wait for it- STRIP MALL! So I got all my permits and everything, got the inside done the way I want it, and have been hiring dancers for the past few weeks. Here in this state, if you're having nude dancers you can't serve alcohol, so I'll be having a nice coffee and juice bar instead. AND since it's a Christian club, I'll be serving cookies also-- oooh, maybe even coffee cake if I decide to open in the mornings- or is that a little too precious?
Now if you have any ideas about what would be good to include in the dance menu, please speak up! Of course the club will be having the Holy Pole Dance, and the Hallelujah Chorus Line, but I could use some help here. This is not actually my line of work, so any of you folks who have input, please speak right up. Eternal gratitude will be yours....
Late breaking news from Gatekeeper Land:
Some people are idiots. One more time, folks, one more time... If you call a business, PLEASE identify yourself to the person who answers the phone. (That's me, folks.) I'm going to ASK you who you are and what company you are with, so make it easy on us both and start the conversation like this:
"Hi, this is Joe Salesman with ABC company, may I speak with Joe Purchasing Agent?"
I will then say, "Yes, one moment please."
There now, wasn't that easy??
So much better that this:
Caller: "May I speak with Joe Purchasing Agent?"
Me: "Yes, may I tell him who's calling?"
Caller: (sounds disgusted because I do not know who he is since unbeknownst to him he does not have a distinctive voice) "This is Joe Salesman with ABC Company," (heavy sigh)
Me: "Thank you, one moment please." (thinks to self, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you dope, just say who the hell you are to START with!!)
It's a little thing, to be sure, but multiply that one little exchange by, oh, say 40 or 60 calls and by the time the Gatekeeper has to ask adult people to identify themselves for a business call over and over and over and over and over again all damn day long, it's no freaking wonder the Gatekeeper has an attitude by Thursday! I tell ya, it's enough to make a person want to start a Christian Strip Club!! Oh, and I haven't even mentioned that it's summer, and that means everybody's children are out of school, and THAT means that there are lots and lots of kids who need Mom or Dad's input on all sorts of important questions such as, "Can I go swimming/over to Jimmy's house/out to buy some drugs/running around with my friends without being specific as to who or where/etc etc etc?????" My personal favorite is the chain phone call, where the child calls in to ask if he or she can do something with someone before he/she has found out if the chosen activity is okay with the other kid's parents. Parent who works where I do says fine, if it's okay with the other kid's parents. This means another phone call after THAT important question has been answered, and maybe another call to select ANOTHER activity if the answer is no. It's enough to make the Gatekeeper very very tired, but not so tired at the end of the day that she can't manage to lift her jug of red red wine and pour herself a nice glassful! If the Gatekeeper is not a total wino by the end of the summer it will be surprising...

Now I'm all curious, dang it!

Not a horrific phone day today, only a couple real pains in the butt- things seem to be looking up, even for a Thursday! Although there was this one call this afternoon from one of my all-time favorites, the Bogus Copier People. It made the third call this week from them, and it featured Super Friendly Voice Guy. Those of you who answer phones for a living know what kind of wanker I'm talking about- they ooze honey all over the phone, and after they hang up you have to get out the soapy cloth and clean up. Bleah. We hates them. So anyway, I answer the phone in my normal professional manner...
Me: Good Afternoon, My Company
Super Friendly Voice Guy: Hi! How are you today! How's it going!
Me: Fine. How may I help you?
SFVG: Well now, I'm with the copier company, and I just need you to go check the number on the front of your copier. It has about five digits, and it's right on the front-- do you think you can do that for me?
My Fantasy Response: I think I can shove your head right back up your ass from whence it came, and do it oh, so gladly, you peabrained ditwad!
My REAL response: Well now, what do YOUR records show we have?
SFVG: My records don't show anything.
Me: Well then I guess you're not my copier company.
SFVG: WHY DON'T YOU GO HUMP....
Me: CLICK. Ditwad.
So now I'm all curious as to just what it was he was about to suggest I hump. Tsk, tsk, Super Friendly Voice Guy. Temper, temper.
Although he didn't even come close to being my all-time nastiest caller. A lady from one of those wonderful phone companies that try to switch your service from your current provider to THEIR company has that title. I must have really pissed her off, because when it became clear she wasn't getting what she wanted from me, she said, and I quote, "Fuck you!" I disconnected her, and she called right back and said, "Fuck your Mother!" Now, please. That's just tacky. Here's a hint: If you work for a chickenshit company like the Bogus Copier People or the Sneaky Phone Service Snitchers, you must learn to deal with disappointment. Contrary to what they told you in Training, not every single person in the world is too slow to catch on to your little scam. Some of us are not only smarter than you, we have quicker disconnect buttons. So don't mess with us. That will be $500.00 for the advice. Pay us in cash. (think we'd take a check from someone who scams people for a living? Hardly.)
On to other things: The Christian Strip Club update. Y'all have been a little slow with the comments, but that's okay. I've been talking with some of the local ministers, and most of them seem to feel that it's a great idea. None of them are willing to actually host the club in their building, what with the zoning laws and all, but I have gotten a positive reception. As a matter of fact, they're thinking it could help keep some of the congregation in town over the weekend, since right now most of the ones who partake of such entertainment go out of town to get it, and get back home too late on Sunday morning to get to church. This must be to avoid the embarrassment of being seen locally in a regular strip club, which is understandable, but it does cut down on the collection plate totals.
So now I'm starting to look for a building. I'm thinking something fairly sizable - it'd be nice to have room to expand if this is a real success. Stay tuned for more developments!

National Cold Call Week

Holy crap!! If I get one more cold call from someone who has NO IDEA who he/she wants to speak with, I am going to reach through the phone and rip out some vocal cords! Consider yourselves WARNED!!! Now to be totally honest, I'd rather deal with cold call CALLS, as opposed to cold call Personal Visits. Please. Just go away. If we wanted what you're selling, we would call YOU. No, we do not use employment agencies. Ever. Thanks for the scratch paper you've so kindly given me, but please be aware we will not be using your service ever ever ever so please GO AWAY and do NOT come back.
See, this is really really bad. Here it is only Tuesday and I already have a horrible case of Thursday Attitude. On Thursdays, you do not mess with the Gatekeeper unless you have a death wish. I am not kidding. Just ask the engineers. I may not growl at them, but they know how I am on Thursdays. This state of mind sometimes carries over to Friday, as it did last week when a salesman who actually had an appointment with someone here called after said person had gone home for the weekend. This guy actually asked me to give out his contact's cell phone number! As if!! No, no, no, cannot, will not, forget you and slap you very much for asking! GRRRRRRRRRR! See my nameplate? See that it says Gatekeeper? That means I protect those who work here from pushy twits like, um... YOU!
Oh, and one more work-related note before I move on to other things...
If you call us and I try to connect you with the person with whom you wish to speak, but for some reason that person is not available, and I offer to connect you with his/her voicemail? For cryin' out loud, TAKE THE DAMN VOICEMAIL!!! I'm not trying to destroy your day by being obstructionist (ooo, a political buzzword!), I'm doing the best I can for you, trust me! Perhaps the person with whom you wish to speak is otherwise engaged, (read: in the can), or has told me he does not wish to speak to you EVER because he believes you are a twit, a jerk, a ditwad, and/or a pest, or is really not in the building, has left me strict instructions to tell you that he is DEAD because he wants to talk to you only slightly more than he wants a sudden outbreak of boils on his butt, or is actually IN A MEETING, just like I told you. HINT: Calling back 10 times a day will not help. Please just take the damn voicemail so I don't have to get nasty. Trust me that I know my folks and my facility better than you do. Because otherwise you may have to go to Holdville for a really really long time. The Gatekeeper hates to do that, but she is not afraid to face life's unpleasant tasks. And she'll do it with a smile, too!
Okay! On to other topics, lest everyone think all I do is work and bitch about the phones...
Last weekend I was looking through the phone book searching for house painters, and I began to notice that this town has a total buttload of businesses that advertise themselves as Christian. We have Christian plumbers, Christian roofers, Christian painters, Christian sewer services, Christian hair salons, Christian book stores, Christian carpet cleaners, Christian upholsterers, Christian house cleaning services, Christian electrical contractors, and probably a few more that I missed. I must confess, I don't understand how a person's religion figures into these sorts of businesses. Okay, the book store is a given- they sell religious books. But ROOFERS? Are the shingles blessed by a member of the clergy before they're installed? And how about the Christian sewer services? "Oh, lord, bless this hose and this tank and ensure that they work smoothly because if the hose breaks there's gonna be a hell of a mess..."
Y'all must pardon me. I have no problem with those who have a sincere faith- however in my youth I got a severe overdose of fundamentalism and have never recovered. I can, if called upon, preach a fire and brimstone sermon much like those that were inflicted upon me in my tender years, although as time goes by it takes a bit more booze to get me in the pulpit, but that's neither here nor there. For me, a person's faith is as private as what they like in bed. Dude, I don't want to know. You don't tell me and I won't tell you, deal? Thank you. We'll get along just fine.
Well, now that THAT'S out of the way, I really do want to run something by you all. I noticed that among all the Christian businesses here in our fair city, there is not one single Christian strip club! That seems wildly unfair to me. I mean, where do the faithful go when they want to see some T&A?? I'm just wondering if there would be enough interest to justify the startup costs and build a profitable business? Comments, please?

Sunny Side

Phone Etiqette Tip of the day: If you work for the copier scam people, please please please go get a real job! Although admittedly, that would deprive me of the pleasure of dealing with calls like this:
Caller: Hi, this is Very Friendly Voice Janet with the Copy Center!
Me: Uh, huh...(dripping sarcasm)
Caller: We're updating our records, and we just need someone to check the model number on your copier!
Me: (sweetly) What do YOUR records show we have?
Caller: CLICK
Actually, these folks are kinda fun to play with. I like to ask them for their company name and address, their phone number, and their name, and their supervisor's name, and how many years they've been in business. If I am super friendly back sometimes I can actually get their supervisor's name, while I keep them chatting pretending to be walking to the copier to get the information they want so they can send me a whole lot of crap toner and bill me for it, refuse to take it back without a hefty restocking charge,and threaten to sue me when I refuse to pay the bill. On a really good day, the person on the phone will tell me to do something physically impossible to myself and hang up.
Yesterday I also had not one, but TWO calls from The Super Friendly Cold Call Sales Guy- these are interchangeable since the script goes the same no matter where they're calling from.
Caller: Hi, this is SFCCSG, how's the weather there today? (Or How are you today?)
Me: Fine, how may I help you?
Caller: I need to speak with the person responsible for ordering your printer supplies, who would that be?
Me: Oh, I am so sorry- she has asked me to let people who call know that she is happy with her current arrangement, but thank you for calling! CLICK! (CHUCKLE!!!)
Caller: WTF???

Phone Etiquette Tip for Tuesday 4/26/05

Dudes! If you call a business, please identify yourself in a usable manner, for example....
"Hi, this is Joe Blow with Dopey Inc., may I speak with Mr. One?" This type of call will get you in good with the Gatekeeper, trust me.
Now, THIS type of call, on the other hand....
Caller: "Yeah, can I talk with Employee Who Has Been Gone For 4 Years? I need to talk to him about the order he placed with us. "
Me: "I'm sorry, sir, he doesn't work here any longer." (Thinking to self: Hell of a long lead time on that puppy!)
Caller: "Well, who else works in that department?"
Me: "May I ask who's calling?"
Caller: "Joe Blow with TotallyClueless Enterprises of the Dallas Branch of Blah Blah Blah in business since 1945 blah blah blah, I really need to talk with someone in purchasing- or Engineering- yeah, let me talk to an engineer- who's in your engineering department?"
My Fantasy Reponse: Shut up, you clueless idiot! Grrrrrrrrrr!
My Actual Response: "One moment, please." (page Unlucky Purchasing Department and transfer call. Prepare to hide under desk when Purchasing answers phone only to discover one more junk call. Send quick e-mail apologizing for same.)