Now I'm all curious, dang it!

Not a horrific phone day today, only a couple real pains in the butt- things seem to be looking up, even for a Thursday! Although there was this one call this afternoon from one of my all-time favorites, the Bogus Copier People. It made the third call this week from them, and it featured Super Friendly Voice Guy. Those of you who answer phones for a living know what kind of wanker I'm talking about- they ooze honey all over the phone, and after they hang up you have to get out the soapy cloth and clean up. Bleah. We hates them. So anyway, I answer the phone in my normal professional manner...
Me: Good Afternoon, My Company
Super Friendly Voice Guy: Hi! How are you today! How's it going!
Me: Fine. How may I help you?
SFVG: Well now, I'm with the copier company, and I just need you to go check the number on the front of your copier. It has about five digits, and it's right on the front-- do you think you can do that for me?
My Fantasy Response: I think I can shove your head right back up your ass from whence it came, and do it oh, so gladly, you peabrained ditwad!
My REAL response: Well now, what do YOUR records show we have?
SFVG: My records don't show anything.
Me: Well then I guess you're not my copier company.
SFVG: WHY DON'T YOU GO HUMP....
Me: CLICK. Ditwad.
So now I'm all curious as to just what it was he was about to suggest I hump. Tsk, tsk, Super Friendly Voice Guy. Temper, temper.
Although he didn't even come close to being my all-time nastiest caller. A lady from one of those wonderful phone companies that try to switch your service from your current provider to THEIR company has that title. I must have really pissed her off, because when it became clear she wasn't getting what she wanted from me, she said, and I quote, "Fuck you!" I disconnected her, and she called right back and said, "Fuck your Mother!" Now, please. That's just tacky. Here's a hint: If you work for a chickenshit company like the Bogus Copier People or the Sneaky Phone Service Snitchers, you must learn to deal with disappointment. Contrary to what they told you in Training, not every single person in the world is too slow to catch on to your little scam. Some of us are not only smarter than you, we have quicker disconnect buttons. So don't mess with us. That will be $500.00 for the advice. Pay us in cash. (think we'd take a check from someone who scams people for a living? Hardly.)
On to other things: The Christian Strip Club update. Y'all have been a little slow with the comments, but that's okay. I've been talking with some of the local ministers, and most of them seem to feel that it's a great idea. None of them are willing to actually host the club in their building, what with the zoning laws and all, but I have gotten a positive reception. As a matter of fact, they're thinking it could help keep some of the congregation in town over the weekend, since right now most of the ones who partake of such entertainment go out of town to get it, and get back home too late on Sunday morning to get to church. This must be to avoid the embarrassment of being seen locally in a regular strip club, which is understandable, but it does cut down on the collection plate totals.
So now I'm starting to look for a building. I'm thinking something fairly sizable - it'd be nice to have room to expand if this is a real success. Stay tuned for more developments!

National Cold Call Week

Holy crap!! If I get one more cold call from someone who has NO IDEA who he/she wants to speak with, I am going to reach through the phone and rip out some vocal cords! Consider yourselves WARNED!!! Now to be totally honest, I'd rather deal with cold call CALLS, as opposed to cold call Personal Visits. Please. Just go away. If we wanted what you're selling, we would call YOU. No, we do not use employment agencies. Ever. Thanks for the scratch paper you've so kindly given me, but please be aware we will not be using your service ever ever ever so please GO AWAY and do NOT come back.
See, this is really really bad. Here it is only Tuesday and I already have a horrible case of Thursday Attitude. On Thursdays, you do not mess with the Gatekeeper unless you have a death wish. I am not kidding. Just ask the engineers. I may not growl at them, but they know how I am on Thursdays. This state of mind sometimes carries over to Friday, as it did last week when a salesman who actually had an appointment with someone here called after said person had gone home for the weekend. This guy actually asked me to give out his contact's cell phone number! As if!! No, no, no, cannot, will not, forget you and slap you very much for asking! GRRRRRRRRRR! See my nameplate? See that it says Gatekeeper? That means I protect those who work here from pushy twits like, um... YOU!
Oh, and one more work-related note before I move on to other things...
If you call us and I try to connect you with the person with whom you wish to speak, but for some reason that person is not available, and I offer to connect you with his/her voicemail? For cryin' out loud, TAKE THE DAMN VOICEMAIL!!! I'm not trying to destroy your day by being obstructionist (ooo, a political buzzword!), I'm doing the best I can for you, trust me! Perhaps the person with whom you wish to speak is otherwise engaged, (read: in the can), or has told me he does not wish to speak to you EVER because he believes you are a twit, a jerk, a ditwad, and/or a pest, or is really not in the building, has left me strict instructions to tell you that he is DEAD because he wants to talk to you only slightly more than he wants a sudden outbreak of boils on his butt, or is actually IN A MEETING, just like I told you. HINT: Calling back 10 times a day will not help. Please just take the damn voicemail so I don't have to get nasty. Trust me that I know my folks and my facility better than you do. Because otherwise you may have to go to Holdville for a really really long time. The Gatekeeper hates to do that, but she is not afraid to face life's unpleasant tasks. And she'll do it with a smile, too!
Okay! On to other topics, lest everyone think all I do is work and bitch about the phones...
Last weekend I was looking through the phone book searching for house painters, and I began to notice that this town has a total buttload of businesses that advertise themselves as Christian. We have Christian plumbers, Christian roofers, Christian painters, Christian sewer services, Christian hair salons, Christian book stores, Christian carpet cleaners, Christian upholsterers, Christian house cleaning services, Christian electrical contractors, and probably a few more that I missed. I must confess, I don't understand how a person's religion figures into these sorts of businesses. Okay, the book store is a given- they sell religious books. But ROOFERS? Are the shingles blessed by a member of the clergy before they're installed? And how about the Christian sewer services? "Oh, lord, bless this hose and this tank and ensure that they work smoothly because if the hose breaks there's gonna be a hell of a mess..."
Y'all must pardon me. I have no problem with those who have a sincere faith- however in my youth I got a severe overdose of fundamentalism and have never recovered. I can, if called upon, preach a fire and brimstone sermon much like those that were inflicted upon me in my tender years, although as time goes by it takes a bit more booze to get me in the pulpit, but that's neither here nor there. For me, a person's faith is as private as what they like in bed. Dude, I don't want to know. You don't tell me and I won't tell you, deal? Thank you. We'll get along just fine.
Well, now that THAT'S out of the way, I really do want to run something by you all. I noticed that among all the Christian businesses here in our fair city, there is not one single Christian strip club! That seems wildly unfair to me. I mean, where do the faithful go when they want to see some T&A?? I'm just wondering if there would be enough interest to justify the startup costs and build a profitable business? Comments, please?